So it’s May 24th. I’m done with school, graduated. It’s summer for me. I’ll be going to college in a few months. But I haven’t gone anywhere. Which means for over a year I have been waking up hating my body, hating myself, and comforting my emotions with food. Over 15 months. That’s over 400 days.

Food has become such a second nature to me. I’m not even convinced that it’s bad for me. How do you begin to reverse a habit in which you cannot and do not even believe is doing you harm? I have these doubts in my mind that kill everything for me. But I want so bad to believe that they are wrong. This is hard when all I’ve been doing my whole life is taking orders from the doubts inside my head.

It will take too long.

This is my personal favorite. By accepting this doubt, I have accepted that losing weight just take too damn long and the weeks it would take to change would just be too difficult. It would just be easier to continue to hate my body and comfort myself with food rather than try to change anything.

Exercising and eating right will not change anything.

Hahahahahahaha. So generally, I start days really good. I have a lot of hope but towards the end of the day when the day just becomes ‘unbearable’ I give in and binge. I am pretty good minus those few minutes where I’m stuffing my face. So my mind is almost convinced that I’ve been dieting and working out all this time and nothing’s been happening. When in reality, the longest I’ve gone in the past year and a half is five days.

Five days.

Being healthy/loving your body is not important.

This is interesting, because this one happens after I’ve had a few really good days, and my brain is trying to convince me to throw it all away. I’m feeling really good about myself, and it’s the perfect time to attack.

Arguments I make to help convince myself:

1. I think 450 days is a good enough argument.

2. So you can do it, get it over with, and not have to worry about it again. (I’m sick of thinking about it)

3. Pain now, happiness later > Happiness now, pain later

4. It’s a simple choice. Chose your pleasure: being skinny or eating food

My first thought when I woke up this morning was how I wanted to get up and make blueberry pancakes. I’m still thinking that right now. But I am not going to let my head win. I control myself. I control my future. I’m afraid of the pain, but I can do it. I know I can do it. I will do it. I am not going to let anything else dictate my happiness anymore. I do what I want to do. I know I want to be skinny. But it’s so much more than that. It’s taking charge of my life. It’s developing my discipline and willpower so I can succeed. I want this to be a goal I reach. I’m going to reach it. I’m going to reach it. I will not stop until I’m there. I haven’t given up yet, and I never will. Even if I have to run 10 miles a day. I will get there.

I’m afraid. 

But I’m going to kick fear in the ass by the time this is over.

Rick Warren  (via myquotelibrary)

(via myquotelibrary)